item 2

in a world of impossibly impolite people, how can we make our driving lives more tolerable? improved communication. i want to get into the right lane so i can make a right hand turn off this street... but everyone in the right hand lane is too damn worried about having someone enter their lane and put them back one car length. you know the type. the pickle smoocher that is sitting in gridlock but rides the guy in front of him so you can't cut through.

the solution? an LED Interaction Facilitator. this is a board of LEDs that mirrors what you draw or type on your LED Interaction Facilitator Input Device. "hey, just want to cut through to make a right on Main Street." "Thanks" "No, you first" "you have a flat tire" "FUCK YOU DICKHEAD".

because, as i've mentioned previously, people have a hard time thinking past the most obvious and just assume the worst. they won't know that your wife is pregnant and her water just broke or that you've really got to pee. they just figure you're trying to cut them off to get someplace faster for the hell of it.

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instant feedback

so one of these days i'm going to market two new devices for your car.

one will be a multi-directional paint gun. there is a serious lack of etiquette in drivers out there today. people do stupid shit that they would never tolerate in other drivers. but why does this trend continue to propagate? lack of negative feedback. people don't even hear horns or yelling anymore. and the finger? forget it, they just stare straight ahead and don't even give you the chance. so how can we discourage such crude behavior? how can we get people to be polite again?

paint. i think we can solve many of our ails by holding people accountable, on a grassroots level. you do something totally boneheaded, something that really disrupts people's lives? you get a paintball shot on your car. at first i thought a bb gun would be good, you know, do some real damage. but that clearly would get a lot of people in trouble. but paint works. no permanant damage, kind of like the damage you cause when you drive in the left hand lane when you shouldn't be there.

ok, time for a tangent: ok genius. take a look around. do you see the long line of cars behind you? do you see the car to your right that's driving at the same speed. ok, then get the fuck over! you don't belong in the left lane, also known as the PASSING LANE. you're not passing anyone so let others by. it is not your right to have the entire left lane to yourself because you want the warm fuzzy feeling of having an empty highway ahead of you. everyone else pays taxes and tolls just like you. in fact, there are more of those people than there are you so get a grip.

back on topic. negative feedback must be consistent and closely correlated (temporally) to the offending incident to be effective. so, the next time some dude cuts you off or steals your parking space. don't endanger you and your car. just tag him a few times with your new Negative Feedback Paint Gun. sick of washing paint off your car? well change your shitty behavior then, bitch!

item 2 to be presented tomorrow...

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traffic

i took some operations research classes in college. OR is the study and application of math to optimize processes. one the reasons i was interested in OR was to try and understand traffic patterns better. the entire field is really quite interesting. ever wonder why some fast food restaurants (like wendy's) utilize a single serpentine queue system where others (like mcdonald's) use parallel queues? then you need to do a little OR...

anyway, traffic always puzzled me. i mean, if the dude at the front just drove faster then it should all go away, right? well, it's not that simple. in fact, it's actually pretty complex. but in some instances, it is simple. it's as simple as some dumbass who tried to be the last one through the intersection, miscalculated (because s/he's an idiot) and is not blocking the crossing traffic.

seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people. if there are a shit load of cars ahead of you and they are at a standstill, what makes you think you can sneak through the intersection before the light turns? i mean, are you braindead? here's a question, if you were in the crossing traffic and you saw some dude doing what you just did, what would you say to yourself? "wow, good move, i applaud your initiative" or "what the fuck, you're an idiot!!". honestly, if you would say the former, then fine, go ahead and do that then. you are clearly retarded. but that's not your fault. it's what you really feel and think and as long as you're consistent, i can't argue with that.

but the bottom line is that's not what you'd say. you'd say the latter. so in that case, you need to check yourself. do you really think that making that one light is really so critical? you know what's funny? watching a dude do that, get the shit honked out of him and then pulling up right behind him after the light turns green again. you dumbass, you went through all that, created so much grief for everyone and look how far you got. no place.

good job buddy. you've managed to negatively affect about 50 people's lives and you gained nothing. was it worth it? no.

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get a grip

yesterday i was called into the hospital for an emergency. obviously, i made my way into the hospital pretty quickly. as i was driving down my usual route, a guy was crossing the street about 800 feet in front of me. he clearly had enough time to cross (although he was not doing so at a designated crosswalk), yet when he saw me coming he slowed down. clearly this was some kind of passive aggressive bullshit that everyone seems to do these days. (i'm too cool to acknowledge you as i cross the street in front of you and your greenlight. i'm also too cool to make an effort to cross quickly even though you have the right of way and my doing so is creating traffic).

anyway, by slowing down his pace, he was able to remain in the street while i finally drove past him. clearly i was in a hurry but this "good samaritan" made a point to give me the "slow down" motion. hey buddy, i know you're offended that i'm driving faster than you want me to but i never put you in any danger. the only reason you were anywhere near my car is because you started walking slower so you could tell me to slow down. also, you have no idea what is going on in my life. where do you get off telling me what to do. i'm sorry, i think i'm grown up enough to make decisions for myself. get off your fucking pedestal and consider the possibility that there are circumstances that you've not accounted for. for example, someone's grandmother is dying in the ER. she needs surgery now. i'm sorry if i've intruded on your comfort zone but you're just going to have to deal. or, what if my wife was in an accident and she needs my help. sorry bro, you're just going to have to take a back seat. fuck off.

people just jump to too many conclusions these days. they force themselves and their values on other people. that is not appropriate. was i speeding? absolutely. was i endangering anyone. not at all. consider what you would want me to do if that was your grandmother in the ER? should i slow down? if your answer is different now that it's your grandmother, then shut the fuck up and get out of my way. you don't have the right to have a double standard. stop making assumptions and mind your own business.

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back in business

and we're back. i was in new york city last weekend and ran into an old friend of mine. he has a blog. aside from all the cats (dude, wtf?!) i think our blogs are on the same wavelength. it's actually quite interesting since i haven't seen the kid in years. check it out and then come back for more...

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open your eyes

there are too many people out there who have a total lack self-awareness. in the OR, surgeons must have a constant sense for what's going on around them. where the parts of his/her body are with respect to the sterile field. where the instruments are. what's sharp and what's not. the patient's position (moving a limb into the wrong position for too long can cause paralysis). keeping track of vital signs and recognizing when the patient is becoming tachycardic or hypoxic. not to mention the actual procedure that s/he's performing. all of this is done without shifting his/her eyes away from the surgical field.

so it amazes me that people can be so unbelievably self-absorbed... and not even realize it. i was recently on a train from new york city and had the total displeasure of being seated near a woman who clearly liked to hear herself talk. you know the type. they talk a hell of a lot but don't really say much. everything she said could have been said in half the time with half the number of words and with twice the effectiveness. this woman was ridiculous.

there was a time back in the late 90s when people were totally enamored by their new cell phones. and people would talk anyplace and everyplace just to let everyone else know they had one. thankfully, that trend has subsided somewhat. but you couldn't tell from the way this woman was carrying on.

i understand that sometimes important, emergent or even scheduled calls need to be taken in public. sometimes these take time. but make an effort at courtesy. at least try to find a more isolated place to talk. or a place where your talking will be less disruptive. making an effort reflects your understanding that you're imposing on the people around you, that you are at least a little regretful for doing so.

this woman clearly thought her real estate gig was more important than anything else anyone else had going on in that train. and it wasn't just one call. it was literally an endless string of calls that only abated when her cellular service was interrputed by drop out. her phone was plugged into the charger! this was not an unplanned or singular episode. this woman was a serial cellphone whore. and by the way, lady. get a grip. you are not so important that you get to have two seats to yourself on a fully sold train. props to the conductor who told her to move her bag or pay for the other seat. needless to say, the bag went up into the luggage compartment. i guess real estate isn't going that well for you, huh?

i feel bad for the dude sitting next to her. at least he had an mp3 player. if he didn't i would have given him mine just so he wouldn't go insane having to listen to that woman's idiotic, loud and incessant conversations.

want to know why people around the world hate us americans?

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elevator etiquette

america is the fattest nation in the world. want to know why? because we're a bunch of lazy bitches.

elevators are spectacular inventions. they essentially allowed for the vertical expansion of the world's population. before the development of elevators, buildings rarely stood more than 5 or 6 stories high. but do you know what people did before there were elevators? they walked.

just because an elevator is available to you does not mean you should take one from the 3rd floor to the 4th floor or even to the 5th floor. walk your ass those 2 flights, you know you need the excercise.

physical impairments aside, people need to stop abusing the elevators, especially in the hospital where people need them to get places quickly. i can't tell you how many times i've tried to take the elevator from the OR (in the basement) to the 16th floor to see a sick patient, just to have half a dozen people get on and off before i even get to the 3rd floor. that's bullshit! the stairs are right around the corner. use them!

the average time for one of our 8 high speed elevators to travel from the lobby to the 16th floor at our high-profile, world-renown, 600-bed hospital is 5 minutes. that's is totally unacceptable. and it's not just patients and visitors. amazingly doctors (albeit ones with lighter schedules) and other staff contribute too! there's a senior hematologist who takes the stairs, period, because he can't deal with how annoying people are in their use of elevators.

bottom line, if you're of normal physical capacity, elevators should be utilized only when you need to ascend > 4 or descend > 6 floors. be socially responsible. in the end, you're saving yourself time and aggravation.

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hiatus

well i'm back from a 2 month sabatical. i'd like to say i was a doctor without borders or developing an idiot vaccine but in reality i've just been taking a lot of call, staying up late and being an all around boring guy. that's not to say i haven't had moments of blog inspiration. i just haven't had them, for example, when my hands weren't sterile or when i wasn't on the way to see a patient.

here's something all busy people really fucking hate: un-busy people blocking. this goes for anything that slows busy people down. here's one that was really annoying: pulling up to the gate when exiting the parking garage but not having your tag ready to scan, fumbling for 5 minutes and then having to back up because you left it god knows where... that's just retarded. have a little forsight. being an idiot is ok until your idiocy affects my ability to do important things, like sleep or eat.

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new year resolutions

happy 2006

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the left lane

ok you geniuses. the left lane, also known as the passing lane, is not for your personal edification when you want that fuzzy feeling that comes with having an open road ahead of you. it's a lane reserved for left hand turns and passing.

open your eyes and have some self-awareness. if there's a guy riding your ass, a long line of cars behind you and a car directly to your right, you're driving too slow. get the hell out of the left lane. the guy directly to your right indicates that you're driving at the same speed. by definition, you are in the wrong lane.

on the freeway, no matter how fast you're driving, you should never stay in the left lane. why? because it's the passing lane. once you're done passing, get the hell out!

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stupid ass drivers

i used to be a calm, polite driver. people in the midwest drive graciously, that's where i learned to drive. arrive at the intersection at the same time as me? please, you first. need to turn right but you're in the left lane? by all means, there's space in front of me. need this parking spot? i'm outta here as soon as i can. but after living in boston for 11 years, i'm one bitter-ass driver. if you cut me off, you better believe you're getting your ass ridden. high beam me for something you think i did, you should get ready to stop on a dime cause now it's on. i don't play that shit any more.

after too many years of idiot cab drivers and inconsiderate townies without an ounce of gratitude, you get nothing more from me. the best is when i hear townies complain about the drivers in this city. ha! look in the mirror, moron. here's the deal. you think its ok to pull up real close to the car in front of you so that i can't get into your lane to turn onto the next street? what's up with the petty attitude? what's one car length anyway? why are people so damn possessive over their lane? oh no, i'm in front of you now. so what? we're still getting to where we need to go in the same amount of time. you're going to get there 0.4 seconds after me. well, tonight, watch tv for 0.4 seconds less and you'll be even. whatever, i can play your game. find your lowbrow-self another way to get to where you need to go because you're not getting in front of me. no, you're not entitled to anything. if i give you a break, you'd need acknowledge my gesture with a wave or a thank you or at least some eye contact. cowards.

if i'm waiting for your parking spot, no, that does not now make you special. your social status has not in fact elevated to a higher, more sought after plane. you do not have the right to sit there in your car and pick your nose for 5 extra minutes, just to make someone else wait. this is not a pretentious club, you do not have the right to fabricate a line. and if you need prolonged nose picking time, at least have the decency to tell me you're not vacating your spot anytime soon. don't pretend, i know you see me.

and cabs. cabs are the absolute worst. no, you do not get to drive slow as shit just cause you're looking for a fare. you do not get to ride both lanes cause you're on the phone with a buddy (who the FUCK are you always talking to?!). no, you do not get to throw your front end out into traffic in order to scare people into stopping for you. wait your damn turn. or better yet, treat your fellow drivers with respect. maybe you'll get some in return. bitches.

out of town plates still get the benefit of the doubt. everyone else gets the shaft. hey, once i was the nicest driver in the world. it's your own fault. a person can only put up with so much...

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damn, i'm a trendy geek

allow me to indulge in just a moment of self-involvement: according to PC World's official list, I've owned 7 of out the top 8 gadgets on the the 50 greatest gadgets of the past 50 years... including the original palm pilot and starTAC. 10 out of the top 20, including the diamond rio and pagewriter. damn, I'm just a trendy geek.

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WTF?!

talk about a slap in the face. i went to update my blogger profile for the first time like a good little newbie blogger and what did i find? lo and behold, there's no option for medicine under "occupation". no health care professions listed whatsoever. no, "biotech" does not count. a nurse or physical therapist does not do anything even remotely similar to a computational geneticist or a chemical engineer. nor does "science" count, whatever the hell that's supposed to be. who responds to the question, "so what do you do?" with, "oh, I'm in science". you might as well say, "oh, I work at a company" or "I work with people". whatever.

so what's up with that? i guess there aren't too many health professionals in this space. well, fine. it partially validates the existance of this blog so i guess i shouldn't complain. but it speaks to one of my biggest pet peeves: the complancency of physicians. more on that later (i've got patients to see right now). suffice it to say that doctors need to get their sh*t together.

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hello world

back in 1995 i had a homepage on my college server. this, mind you, was before javascript, xml, or asp. image support had just made its way onto mosaic. i used this site to post links to friends' pages, pictures of me and my friends being retarded and other self-involved things... the usual college-student homepage. but i also posted a section i called "thoughts". every so often i'd have some seemingly insightul comment about life as i saw it and when i was motivated, i typed it up and put it on my homepage. well, college is over but i still get the occasional inquiry from longtime acquaintances about my next "thought".

when the whole blog phenomenon went down a few years ago, i couldn't help but think i was way in front of that trend. you guys all copied me. um, right. well, ten years later, after many years of grad school, med school and residency, after about a million other blogs have beaten me to the punch, I figured maybe it's time to throw my two cents back in.

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